real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I am puke
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
