i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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