i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize