Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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