He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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