Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
