NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
