It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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