booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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