i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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