I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
this will be a night to untag.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
