I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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