What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
