My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
