Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
