I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
