On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
as a side note pls kill me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
