just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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