Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
