if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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