I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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