I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize