I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
