hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
