chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
