zippers are such a cool invention
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
