Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
