I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
