smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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