Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
