please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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