Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
