dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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