the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
