Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
