Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
