it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
