just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
