Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
