The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
