Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
