i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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