I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
