we have pet lesbian snakes
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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