that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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