just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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