I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
