I skipped work to stalk him.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
