I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
