Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize