It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
