I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
