I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
