Got a toothbrush?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
