I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
