Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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